Curiosity: The Essential Ingredient of a Good One to One
A one to one is not a script, it’s a mindset.
My dad died earlier this month. At a service to celebrate his life, he was remembered as a uniquely thoughtful, creative, and engaged person. Until the end he had a childlike enthusiasm for life, and it was contagious.
He showed affection by being curious about what you were most passionate about. Be it photography, native plants, or community organizing, he looked into it, studied up on it, asked questions about it. In doing so he connected with people around the things that most energized them.
I believe the kind of curiosity he brought to relationships is essential to good organizing.
One of the places where our curiosity shows up (or doesn’t) is in one to one meetings. In a recent episode of The Next Move, veteran organizer Stephen Robeson describes a one to one meeting as “the coming together of two people face to face, eyeball to eyeball. Two heads together, trying to get to know each other, trying to figure out if there's anything that they could possibly have in common. If there are any linking interests, any hunger and appetite driven by anger, driven by vision of what could be.”
I’ve done one to ones with organizers who asked me a series of questions as if working through a script. In grasping too tightly to a formula they missed the fundamental ingredient – a sincere curiosity about the other person.
I’ve also done one to one meetings where people demonstrated a real interest in me and my story. Their hunger to know more elicited questions that I had never been asked. Those questions forced me to reflect on my path in new ways, providing new insight as I considered the future. What an amazing gift to bring to someone.
A few things to think about in doing one to one meetings.
A one to one is not a script, it’s a mindset. A stance. If you are asking questions because you have been trained to ask those questions, but you are not truly curious, something is missing from this practice. Find that hunger to know someone. Watch for when your one to one becomes formulaic.
Ernest Hemingway said, “when people talk, listen completely.”
In conversations with my dad, I sometimes wondered if he was listening, or caught what I said. Then two weeks, or two months later he would say I was thinking about what you said about X and it got me wondering about Y.
A couple days before he died he said, “remember when you worked really hard on that big action, and then on the day of the action, Princess Diana died, and that was the only story the media was interested in? You should write something about how that happens and is just a fact of life for an organizer.”
It was amazing to me that he tracked this conversation in the first place, let alone remembered it. It was more than 20 years ago! Just another confirmation that he was interested in me and what I cared about. That he was listening completely.
While listening, listen. Do not be focused on what you are going to say next. You can figure that out after the other person is done talking. It’s okay to have a pause in the conversation. Relax!
A good relational conversation requires that we are present, and following the meaning of what someone is sharing with us. This is hard, if not impossible, if we are constantly searching for our next line. This is where having a stillness practice of some kind can help. This could be meditation, taking a walk alone without our phone, or simply sitting quietly a couple times a day. We have to quiet the mind if we are to be fully present.
My dad lived in rural Indiana and spent a lot of time alone in his barn making things from metal. His own kind of stillness practice. I think this gave him a leg up on being present. His brain less cluttered by social media, constant meetings, and overstimulation.
People can tell who is present with them and who is distracted. Develop your practice to become less distracted, and more present. This will make you a more transformative figure in the lives of others, and will transform how you experience life yourself.
After a one to one meeting, jot down things that struck you from the conversation. Go back to those notes later, and definitely before the next meeting. They will help you advance the conversation, and demonstrate you feel this person is worth the time to capture highlights from the first meeting, and coming prepared for the next one.
By being curious about people we learn what motivates them, and we find shared interests that can inspire future action. We also help people feel seen, filling an unmet need for too many in our society. Fortunately for those who knew my dad, that was a need he was always ready to meet.